For Publication on April Fool's Day

Sent to "The Star, Johannesburg", Thu 31/03/2011 16:23, not published.

The trend for South African banks to charge for everything continues with the recent announcement, not widely reported in the press, that from tomorrow (1st April) the "big four" banks will charge customers to breathe in their branches.  A spokesman justified this by saying, "Look, we have to pay for air-conditioning.  Eskom and City Power tariffs have gone up substantially: Do people think clean air grows in trees?  If they want free air, they can use the ATMs outside and breathe Johannesburg's World Class smog."

From April ABSA, FNB, Nedbank and Standard Bank will issue time-stamped tickets as people enter.  On exit, an "air fee" will be conveniently deducted from the customer's account for the time spent in the branch.  Those without accounts may pay by credit card or in cash.  People who bring their own breathing apparatus and air supply will be exempt (scuba shops are reporting brisk business).

Fees have initially been set at what the spokesman called "a ridiculously low 10c a minute. We don't want to scare people away initially.  Once they are used to the idea, we'll start really fleecing them."

The good news for consumers is that there are already signs of price wars between the banks: ABSA is, for tomorrow only between 10:00 and 12:00 offering "half-price air time", and Nedbank has countered with "Breathe Free Fridays".  Capitec Bank will not follow suit.  Their Morning Glen manager told this newsletter, "We think it is crazy what other banks charge for.  Not only do we have the lowest fees, we also charge for fewer services.  The public is welcome to come and breathe gratis in our branches, which by the way also stay open the longest."

DA Shows How to run a City - But Will Voters Notice?

Sent to "The Star, Johannesburg", Sat 04/12/2010 08:54 & published

 

I refer to Mariano Castrillion's November 29 attack on, and Cllr Ross Greeff's December 1 defence of, mayor Amos Masondo, and subsequent discussion.

The way the ANC and the DA run a city makes for interesting contrasts.

The ANC in Johannesburg spends our money bragging that we are a "World-Class African City", though this is obviously not true: The tame lapdog of the advertising industry, the Advertising Standards Authority, predictably fudges the issue.

The DA, instead, spends ratepayers' money on actually making the City of Cape Town work.

But here's the scary part:

In my field, the personal computer industry, Lotus Corporation devoted itself to building excellent software. Microsoft Corporation wrote mediocre programs and put its money into marketing.

Today Microsoft is market leader and Lotus is a small subsidiary of IBM.

As James Thurber said, you can fool too many of the people too much of the time!

Sensational Star Headline about Robbery that wasn't

Sent to "The Star, Johannesburg", Sun 04/07/2010 16:22, not published.

 

Sensationalism sells newspapers.  Responsible papers like The Star need to constantly guard that, in the quest for a snappy headline that will sell well, they do not exaggerate the contents.

The Star's headline of Friday July 2, "Lolly's daughter robbed" broke this rule.  Nowhere in the article is there any suggestion that the incident was anything other than a burglary.

For those who don't know, in a robbery there is violence, or threat of violence, towards the victim, who must be present.  If things are stolen but the victim is not present, as in the break-in in this case, it is a burglary.

Surely the headline-writer must know that robbery is much more serious that burglary?  Particularly at this time when the eyes of the world are on South Africa, it is irresponsible to inflate a headline like this.

Mr Editor, an apology to your readers would be in order.

[but was not forthcoming...]

Loos(e) Talk Avoids the Cape Facts

Sent to "The Star, Johannesburg", Tue 15/06/2010 20:05

Luther Lebelo ("Would Zille use an open loo?", The Star, Mon June 14) shows what great propaganda one can make if one ignores all the facts.

It is well known that the City of Cape Town entered into an agreement with the community (brokered by the ANC Youth League's local representative, mind you).  With the money they had been given, the City would provide a toilet per family instead of one per five families (the government standard), if the recipients enclosed the loos.

97% of the community kept the agreement.  3% tried to get an advantage by breaking their word.

The local ANCYL saw a chance to get some cheap publicity at the expense of whatever integrity they still had.

It is very fair that the 3% of liars and chancers now have to share a loo with five other families.

This has nothing to do with the dignity or otherwise of black people.

It is about not rewarding those who wreck society for their own ends.

Melanie Meyers Needs Lessons in Logic from Julius Malema

Sent to "The Star, Johannesburg", Wed 27/01/2010 20:34

Melanie Meyers in her letter (Star Letters of today, "I agree with Julius Malema on labour brokers") makes a breathtaking extrapolation on the basis of a single incident of which she doesn't even know the facts!  The sales assistant was, she says, "in all probability" placed by a labour broker.  Shouldn't she at least have made sure about this instead of assuming it?  From this assumption she draws a conclusion about a whole industry!  With such a vast generalisation based on such incomplete research, should she go to Mr Malema for lessons in logic?

Hydrogen From Seawater: Where Would the Energy Come From?

Sent to "The Star, Johannesburg", Wed 27/01/2010 20:19

I respond to some uncomplimentary letters about John Parker in "En Passant" of today.  I think the respondents have missed the point of Mr Parker's question.  Anyone who has done physics at school knows that hydrogen can be produced from water by electrolysis.  However, the point is: Electricity is required for this – where would this electricity come from?  This was never explained in the original letter to which Mr Parker responded.

Cricketers Tossing

Sent to "The Star, Johannesburg", Thu 24/09/2009 20:06, never published.

Your front-page headline today "No maidens? Try a full toss, cricketers told" confirms something I have been proposing for a while.


We need a snappy term for "starting a cricket match".  Some ignorant radio announcers refer to cricket matches "kicking off"!  Indeed, they use it for all kinds of events including hockey, which has a perfectly good term of its own, to "bully off".


"Bowling the first ball" is a long-winded and uninteresting term, and is not in fact the start.  It is preceded by something else: The Toss.


I therefore look forward to commentators, including yours, in future referring to the start of a cricket match as the cricketers "tossing off".